I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize