Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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