im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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