Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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