FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
