I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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