Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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