Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
