Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Banned from zoo.
Again?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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