im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
