she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
