He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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