i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
