i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize