He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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