Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
