We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Randomize
