And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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