my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
