I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
