fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i just had sex bonerless
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
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