I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
