I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
