im about as happy as oj after his trial
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
