she was so not down for the gang bang
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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