Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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