she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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