Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
