also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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