I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
