It's Friday. Sex?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
