Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
