Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
