She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Everyone says I win the strip club
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
