He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
