her vagine was all disorganized.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
