You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
