Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
