woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
