i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize