my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
