Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
