im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
