Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Even the bartender felt bad for me
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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