hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
