i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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