these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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