I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
