Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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