A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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