And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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