happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
