I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize