the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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