dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
