I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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