wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Randomize
