Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
