I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
