it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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