If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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