Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
